His face

My eyes pierced through time. I recalled that face in the light.
His heart bright pink magic, his gifts remain bright.

Left speechless and tingly.. which is very hard to do.
Then he shocked me with words that rang eerily true.

Finally now. I feel the essence that is ME.
Completely connected. Wild and Free.

Still there are times I'm perplexed, even jaded.
More than once hurt, left breathless and baited.

Something in him... doesn't like to choose.
So what is this thing? Am I just a muse?

Maybe it's that I'm again meant to lead?
This big open heart, a slow steady bleed.

But all of us vibe when we're in the same place!
Still everything stops when I look at his face.

Wait.. I learned in dream time. She said that he's strong.
With hope and a prayer, God.. don't let her be wrong.

If he could just see.. how he makes us all feel.
He'd be ready to share. He'd know how to heal.

Heard of some visions. Sure, they're clever predictions, but I know what I know...
It's against my convictions.

So with love and admiration, I hold space for it all.
The fear, the hurt... We'll both rise if you fall.

He questions time, his worth and his space.
But hold on... have I yet mentioned the look on his face?

Well, there's one thing I know that I won't second guess.
His energy is beautiful despite his big "mess."

lady bugs

Winter skies came and they changed my heart. The dark eyed stranger that felt like art.  

The ladybug flew in and she landed on me. I lit up and smiled, knowing what we could be.

With you and my light, I felt whole and so strong, not a moment too soon... you'd prove I was wrong. 

Your heart in my chest disturbing my sleep.
My dreams you've consumed... Prophetic and deep.

So sweet to me, your name shifts the day. Really doesn't matter what it is you say.  

The way that you touch. My skin craves your breath. Sometimes apart, it feels like a death. 

I can't understand how one man is two? Distant and cold, but beautiful and true?  

But fall! She arrived and I've begun to see clear. I opened my eyes and looked in your mirror.  

Another ladybug today and she danced in the sun. I set her love free so you don't have to run.  

So grateful I am as you've helped me to heal. With a sigh I let go and felt something real. 

I hope that you know just how beautiful you are. A painful awakening, but my favorite by far. 

It's okay to lose your shit...

Since I began teaching yoga, guiding meditation and sharing my "stuff" on facebook; I have received an out pouring of messages of encouragement, appreciation as well as inquiries. As someone who was (and obviously still is) seeking guidance and direction, believe me when I tell you that it has been very humbling.  I just share whatever is on my heart.

 

I have a different outlook on life than I did even 2 years ago. It’s like I received both a new heart and different eyes to see through. I firmly believe in looking at the bright side and the lesson in every situation and in all encounters now.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t have my moments. I do. I have a dark side. I get crazy mad. I am impatient. I have wild energy at times that I feel I cannot control. I’m a smartass and I don’t always back down from confrontation.

The cool thing is that no matter what I am presented with, I know how to kick my own ass and I don’t get stuck for too long.

I generally don’t share these dark moments on FB, not because I want to appear perfect, but because I feel that we manifest what we dwell on, therefore (once again) I focus on love rather than fear, pain, grief etc.

That said, my brother recently told me that he wishes people would be more ‘real’ via social media and vent their problems instead of sprinkling fairy dust and pooping rainbows on them.

So... ask and it is given. I’m gonna be real. Right now. For you, little brother.

I am more than SICK of getting hurt by people that are hurt.

 

Now, you may immediately think that I bring this on myself.  You know what? I might. I see the good in people and I want to help if I can. I see all of us as perfect radiant souls and I believe in the miracle of love. I assume everyone believes in the golden rule and will treat me with respect. I am delusional.

We all have a sad story. Each and every one of us has endured a painful situation. Of course there are varying degrees of trauma. I get it. A lot of us have been left feeling broken by these experiences. This is okay. This is the unfortunate ‘norm.’

What’s not okay is constant declaration of said ‘brokenness’ as an excuse for destructive, selfish behavior.

I AM FUCKING SICK OF IT.

Admitting that you have issues and need help is NOT enough. It’s not a ticket to instant understanding and forgiveness from those you hurt.

Being broken and talking about it all the time doesn’t make you a victim or a mysterious dark emo; it makes you an asshole.

Yep, I said it.

You cannot continually take your pain out on people that you allegedly care about and then apologize thinking that you have a clean slate and clear karma. You can only do this so many times before you end up alone or worse—surrounded by people that really don’t care about you.

I cried hard this morning because I am fed up with irresponsible people that don’t care enough about themselves or others to get help and stop the cycle of pain.

I kinda want to live on a deserted island with my children. Escape.
 

Am I being a dramatic? Yeah. I am. I’m angry. (which is good).

(I hope this is ‘real’ enough, Matthew.)

Transformation is hard, but so is the struggle people live in. It’s far worse actually. If you know that you’re making bad choices, sabotaging yourself and those around you then simply STOP.

HEAL.

Don’t know how to start the process? Ask someone. Someone loves you so very much.

If you disagree…   

Talk to God. Don’t believe in him? Okay, well there is a source more powerful than you that listens to EVERYTHING. Call “it” what you will; just make contact. You will be heard and you will be guided if that’s what you truly desire.

Take responsibility or be miserable for the rest of this life and the next. It’s your choice.

Whatever you choose... stop taking advantage of people that really care and want you to be whole.

Start loving yourself. Stop looking outside.


(and ps...don't think that i'll be mad for long. fuck that. i love, love.)

 

Unconditional.

How do we even begin to explain what love is?

There is no seeking.

No going here or there. 

Nothing said will change it.

There is no manipulation.

There is no doubt.

No hoping.

No trying.

Love knows.

Love is pure.
It heals.
It dissolves fear.

Love understands.

Love is compassionate and expansive.

It's peaceful and freeing.

It is overwhelming, yet grounding.

Love is you. Love is me.      

The scary 'V' word

I am by no means an expert. I wrote this based on my experience dating emotionally unavailable people with love fears, realizing 'like attracts like'... knowing that I needed to reevaluate my "stuff." There are many relationships blocks besides what I speak about in this entry. I think that what I share will resonate with many, though. In love and light... nicole

According to the Marriem Webster dictionary, the definition of vulnerability is: "Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded."

Interesting.

I honestly had never really given vulnerability a lot of thought and I certainly did not know the "official" definition until recently.
It seems to me that most days we are in a constant state of vulnerability; are we not? I mean think about it. We can be physically "wounded" at any given time. In addition to that, there is always the chance of being on the receiving end of an angry outburst that may emotionally wound us (hopefully temporarily).

Yet, do we stay home and/or avoid talking to people to ensure "safety?"

No, of course we don’t.

So, why is it that some of us do our very best to be invulnerable in romantic relationships especially when we encounter someone that makes us feel really good?  Oh yeah, that's when we really lose it.

Why do we guard, control, push people away and withhold?

Why is so hard to give and receive freely? Why can't we flow? 

Why do we play mind games and manipulate?

Yeah...The F word.

Fear of being perceived as weak. Fear of rejection. Fear of trusting. Fear of getting our hearts broken.

Of course, we can pretend and say that we are just being "cautious" and sure, that sounds logical, but really it's just an awesome way of saying, "I'm only going to give so much as to not really put my heart on the line."

Now we ask… What has caused us to block the only real thing in this life?

A lot of us became fearful in love because of childhood traumas. It doesn't take much. Personally, I can think of many things right now that made me feel uncomfortably vulnerable with my parents. Add to that my first real heartbreak and I started my adult journey a hot mess (and that is an understatement).

We all have a story and we have all been hurt to some degree or another.

Ponder this… What if we decided to see the people and situations that hurt us as our greatest teachers? 
What if the terrible heartbreak was just a huge lesson preparing us for something beautiful? 

What if we viewed relationships as divine assignments?

What if we decided to forgive those that hurt us with the knowing that they were doing the best that they could at that time?

Could we let go? Can we be vulnerable, again?

I need to share a little secret with you...

Being vulnerable takes strength and courage.

We have tricked ourselves into thinking that vulnerability is synonymous with weakness. Wrong. We seem to think that if we keep our feelings inside we will be conveyed as strong. 

On the contrary, we come across as uncomfortable, controlled, scared and rigid. How does it feel when you hold back? Is it not a strange, unnatural feeling? Hello Ego.

Do you know why it feels so yucky? Because that egoistic action does not vibe with the heart.

George Sand said, “There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.”

So, if we cannot love and be love able; do you think we can be truly happy and healthy?
Of course, we cannot. We are blocking our true nature. Our essence. The beautiful energy that we were born with. We are supposed to be in loving relationships.

We have to understand that what we resist; persists. If we constantly put up walls, withhold and run away from love-- we are dying within a vicious cycle.

We are scared little hamsters on a wheel running not just from loving a partner and being loved, but also loving ourselves. Scared of showing our “humanness” and all of our perceived imperfections.

You see, if we were really exercising unconditional self-love we wouldn't hurt ourselves and others by withholding. Make sense?

We end amazing relationships by making up reasons why they won't work before someone hurts us. We end up hurt and alone.

Wait... 

Now we have manifested our biggest love fear.

Ain't that some shit?

Vulnerability is the glue in intimacy. In the beginning and throughout our relationship we have to be open enough to share our feelings and desires. What makes us feel good and also what we don't care for. Admit wrong doing. Apologize. Listen. All of these things show vulnerability. Open communication. Sharing really is caring.

I will share a little about me.

I have always been open and giving. Ironically, I was raised in a household where no one ever said: "I love you." There wasn't any crying together, sharing feelings; not even a lot of hugging. I knew that my parents loved me and they raised us with great values, but they were not affectionate people. I knew that I was different. I realized at a young age that I was a big lover and not expressing it did not make sense to me.

I ached for it. 

I loved people and I wanted to tell and show them. I couldn't imagine holding back. I spoke freely and gave love. I felt like it was the only true joy.

When I began dating, something weird happened.  I began to see that I actually had issues with love. The first guy I felt love for was completely unavailable yet I didn't let go for almost 20 years.

In other relationships, I didn't receive—at all. Instead of allowing people to love me, I found a way to control with the delusional thought that if I dictated the way that I was loved; I wouldn't get hurt.
I thought I was strong and in charge. I was actually so weak. I was so scared of being hurt that I squashed love before it was taken away from me. I learned the hard way that I lacked vulnerability.

Time for change... 
As Maya Angelou says, "Know better and you do better."

I decided to start loving myself. I sought out the help of a Reiki healer. I prayed and I meditated. I forgave my childhood traumas and all of the men that cheated, lied and hurt me. I love them all now. So much. I see that they were all my angels and they brought me to a place of gratitude for the lessons that they provided.

I feel more courageous than ever before, yet I am smart enough to know that I could be hurt, again.

Oh well… I choose to be a love warrior.

Join me?

Find a way to release your love fears and begin to flow. Forgive the past and leave it there. Trust. STOP THINKING so much and change negative thoughts. Tell your ego to step aside and show your heart. 

Realize that nothing is guaranteed. A relationship may not work, but what if it does?

What if what you’re pushing away is the beginning of a journey to healing and a lifetime full of free love?

Seek guidance if you feel the need. Find a healing modality that suites you.

As some of you know, I teach and practice yoga because it was the catalyst to my healing and continual transformation. Try it.

Whatever path you take… don't wait, because you're missing out on your life. Someone out there in the big U really loves you despite all of your "flaws" and they want you to receive their love and give them your perfect love back.

Love yourself enough to let go and see that you deserve it. We all do. 

Only love is real. FEAR is the illusion that blocks the miracles from flowing.

"Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” Maya Angelou is a smart woman...

Vulnerability...it's actually the beautiful 'V' word.

Connection Reflection

My sweet love, you found me
We hid in one space

No pondering this gift
I recognized your face

Never had I felt, a deep happy like this
From doubt and despair to mind-blowing bliss

Our visions and dreams, we shared them as one
A bond that I trusted could not be undone

Like, you be the sky and I'll be the sun?

Breathed life in my soul
Flowing like water; out of control

I felt you, you felt me...warm. electric. alive.
The romantic inside, began to revive

"Wow, how much I love you," you naturally say
I close my eyes, laughing. "Yeah, I feel the same way"

Our eyes finally meet...oh the look on your face
I knew in that moment; I was in the right place

But, wait...something changed
"Oh, I'm acting strange???"

Don't do this, don't start
You're breaking my heart

I know love is scary and hard to digest
But remember our truth; this is only a test

We fight and I cry
You're so scared that you lie

You blame me, I take it
"I was crazy, I admit"

My chest broken open; nothing left to say
Faced with my shadow, in the middle of the day

I've realized some things as time has passed by
I will not carry guilt just to appease this big lie

Your fear of receiving; it stunted our growth
The ego, the poison; death to us both.

I still feel your presence and I see you for YOU
You will always be inside me....

What more can I do?

A cross-roads on your spiritual journey

So. You’re finally awake. You feel like a completely different person. You ARE a completely different person. Maybe something happened to you externally that forced a change internally? You feel this longing for a better life. It’s beautiful. You begin rearranging things that are no longer in alignment with this “new you.” You let go of people, places and things that are unhealthy. You feel connected to spirit more than ever before and you begin to see, feel and connect to this unlimited potential that is you. You begin your journey. You exercise, meditate, study more and eat naturally. You have an increased appreciation for nature and you find peace there. You’re more compassionate. You’re practicing the “Golden Rule” more and more. Your capacity to love is expanding. Wow. Who knew life could be this good?

Hmmm. Wait a minute. Something doesn’t fully jive. Even though things have transformed and you see the “light”…something seems to be missing. You’re not manifesting all of your desires. You’re still experiencing emotional ups and downs, anxiety, and negative thoughts. More than that, this state of “enlightenment” that people speak of seems pretty far-fetched. Most importantly; you’re still on the fence when it comes to the concept of “true love.”

Where have I gone wrong? You ask. Did I take a right when I should have gone left? Self-doubt and frustration set in. You fall back a few steps. This is actually a good thing! No, this is a fantastic thing. Why? Because you are conscious enough to recognize that that you require more work. You care. You want to live your life to its fullest potential. Guess what? You can. And, you will.

The thing is…you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. You’ve been looking for EVERYTHING in all of the wrong places. You have looked outside of YOU for happiness. You’ve been thinking waaay too much. Living in your head way more than your heart. I know what your next question is. (I’m psychic). How do I get out of my head and into my heart? How do I turn off this constant chatter? Don’t fret, it is possible.

Even though we collectively feel more connected than ever before; there are still things that we need to look at and work through before we can get “there.” And then, when we’re “there”….we must continue as we’re never really there. Confused? Don’t be.

We have been carrying around our past, deep down in our bodies. We talk about the past with everyone and it has become our story—the story entitled “why.” It has been the reason for the struggle. Well. It is time to end the story as it is the only way to be free. This story has made us think that we are someone that we are not. We have limited ourselves. Why? How do you limit divine creation? Does the mystery that we call “God” have a limit? You know the answer. You know ALL of the answers!

When we let go of the past and begin to see who we really are; we are reborn. Think of yourself as a child. Close your eyes and sit with that light, adorable, curious, silly child. That innocent little rainbow doesn’t have negative self-loathing thoughts. That child lives in love and laughter, do they not? That child loves, trusts, seeks, learns, plays and wonders. Hmmm. Can we do that as adults? Of course we can. How? I will share.

We must seek guidance. Guidance comes in many forms. We can meditate (we know this) pray, and call on our angels--and we should. We can also greatly benefit from guidance from a coach or spiritual healer. Reiki and breath work are incredibly powerful. In fact, I feel that working with a healer is imperative on the journey back to YOU.

Step 2. SELF LOVE. This is it. This is the REAL answer. We have to love ourselves inside out, upside down and all around. It sounds simple, but a lot of us are not loving ourselves. Learn to love all of you. The things that make you unique. Your skills, your talents, your gifts, your weirdness, your crooked smile, your wild hair, your extra 10 pounds, your off key singing, your corny sense of humor, your scary morning face—ALL OF YOU. Look in the mirror every day and say “I love you, I love you.” “You are beautiful!” Change. Your. Thoughts. Realize, really realize that there is only one YOU. Don’t compare, because there is no comparison. Let that sink in. There is only ONE YOU. Once you really love yourself—watch what happens. Unconditional love for all beings. How does that sound? Things will start to change around you. No more fear…just warm, tingly, smiley, delicious, engaging, connected LOVE. It’s possible. You are unlimited potential. Pure endless blue skies—that’s what you are.

Remember those 2 infamous prophets that walked the earth thousands of years ago? They were magical, creators of miracles. So are YOU. You are Buddha and Jesus. You are God! You were made in his form. How could you not love that??

You can do this. You will rise… and when you do—stay there. Keep your heart open and let it lead you back to you —always.