I feel like everyone around me is getting a divorce. It's very interesting. It seems that the universe is forcing people out of inauthentic relationships. It's a revolution of sorts. Weird analogy, maybe. I feel people are being called to take a really close look at the foundation of their marriages. Do I really love this person? Like...really love this person? Do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they're "the one?" Is there a level of co-dependence or are we interdependent lovers supporting one another? What's the real deal? Are we together for true love or is it comfort, money or the kids?
As a recently divorced woman with children; I feel I can speak about this on a somewhat expert level. It's not just my experiences that I can take from though. I have four close friends, and a handful of acquaintances that are in the thick of it. As a yoga instructor; I am learning that part of my "job" is also part-time counselor. Sigh.
Recently, I have been hearing the same story with varying remixes from my all of my separated/divorced friends and students...
"I don't know what happened; she just said she wasn't happy"...yeah..."She said she doesn't love me anymore." and there's... "Maybe I didn't try hard enough to make it work." or, my favorite.... "It's my fault because I stopped dating her."
Really? Do you honestly believe the words that are coming out of your mouth? You didn't TRY hard enough?
"We grew apart." "I wasn't attracted to him anymore." Here's a gem...."I love him, but I'm not IN love with him."
And, of course there are the cases of infidelity, which is GAME OVER for many.
Alright. Let's go back. Way back. Let's think about the dating days.
When we met...who were we? How did we feel about ourselves? Were we empowered and established or at least on the way up? Were we spiritual? Did we have a solid foundation? Most importantly...Were we in love with ourselves? Yeah. Ponder that one for a while.
Lack of self love is at the core of these failing relationships. If you were not in love with yourself or least consciously growing in that direction; how could your relationship be born out of love? These relationships were born out of need. We came together in weakness and co-dependence. We were filling voids--or at least trying to. We were lonely. We had a hunger for connection, togetherness and family. That's okay. In this human experience we are conditioned to think that this is the way.
So. There came a point in our relationship when we couldn't take it anymore. We knew that it was not repairable. We felt it. We talked about it or maybe we held it in. Either way, we just knew. We had reasons to stay though--countless reasons. Too bad that list of reasons didn't include "I am really in love with this person and we are supposed to be together."
The relationship reached harvest. Fulfillment. It served it's purpose. We learned a lesson; maybe many lessons and it's time to walk away. Maybe this seems harsh, but the truth is the truth and we must face it if we want to live life to the fullest.
At this point I could share other contributing factors to choosing the wrong partner (besides lack of self love). I can talk about how our childhood upbringing played a huge role in all of this. How we didn't get "enough" love from mom and dad. How mom and dad controlled us, abused us, ignored us. Maybe our parents even abandoned us. Honestly, it really doesn't matter anymore. We all had a childhood and a lot of us were subjected to passed down patterns of dysfunction that affected us in one way or another. I don't want to talk about the past. Let's talk about the way forward.
Let's talk about the divorce after math. I will share based on my experience with the intention to spare you some grief as you begin your new single life.
We have to begin to disconnect from our exes. It's time to let go. If you have children; it's tricky, but it can still be done. You can co-parent without getting too emotionally attached to what the other is doing. Cut the ties. Send your ex love and light everyday and practice compassion in all of your interactions. If you're not there yet, then limit your interactions and pray about it. Write about; seek counsel, but don't fight. You probably did that enough in your marriage, huh?
Now, single life; here we go.
Do not immediately seek out attention from the opposite sex. Don't start reaching out to old lovers, no dating websites yet, no posting rants or tons of photos on Facebook (no sexy self shots in the mirror, pah-lease; you're not a teenager) have some self respect and dignity through this. Don't start partying/drinking your feelings away. This is truly the worst thing that you can do. It is way too easy to start bad, addictive behavior when you're stressed and lonely so be mindful of how often you're indulging.
Yes, it's a struggle. But we can channel the pain and struggle into something truly beautiful. Something that will really pay off in the future. I realize that when you've been in a relationship for awhile and suddenly you're alone, the first thing you want to do is comfort yourself, but all you're really doing is delaying the process of letting go and moving on.
See this as a time to prove something to YOU. Find the inner strength that you didn't connect to in your marriage. You can now be all of you and do everything that you didn't do in your marriage. You can get to know yourself; like really know yourself. It's almost like we must re-raise ourselves. Re-learn. We then need to date ourselves. Don't cheat on yourself! Take yourself out and love each and every inch without distraction or temptation.
Start to be comfortable with being alone. Take time to do all of the things that make you feel good. Activities that raise your vibration. Things that truly connect you to source. Exercise, study, write, take a new class, meditate, begin a project, paint, dance--whatever makes you really appreciate yourself. Practice yoga, Qigong or Tai-Chi. Seek out a healer or a counselor as I mentioned before. I can tell you that I am literally a different person after working with a Reiki healer.
Now, I am certainly not suggesting that you should do everything by yourself; I am simply saying that I feel that it is vital to resist the urge to constantly connect because in the end you will realize that some (not all) of these "new connections" aren't "real" and someone may get hurt.
Yes, it's a process and all interactions can be looked at as a part of this process, but we need to be cautious and protect our energy when we're in this vulnerable state.
Now. I have some really exciting news. Your efforts will be felt by the universe. Once you gain your independence, your strength and self love you will start to emit a different vibe. We are in a time right now when beautiful, authentic soul connections are being formed. This brings us back to what I said at the beginning of this article. We have been forced into truth so that we can come together for the greater good. We are going to attract a mate that we love on a soul level. How so? Because we let go of our junk, connected with ourselves and felt a love that we never imagined possible. The law of attraction will handle the rest. We will end up in an interdependent union that makes us feel good not only about ourselves, but everything. Can you imagine that? Someone that improves on perfection?! Wow. Sign me up.
You can be with someone that you want to grow with, work with, play with, explore with. I am talking about a loving bond that cannot be broken. Someone that loves you for you and you love for them. Like, for real. Notice I didn't mention sex. Just icing on the cake, it will be. I also didn't say "try" or "make it work" did I?
If all relationships were this magical; what would this planet look like? Imagine.
So, let that inspire you to get back to YOU after the divorce. Know that you deserve to be really happy and you will be if you do your work and love yourself, whole heartedly.
Divorce is a lot harder than I ever imagined, but there is so much to be learned. Most importantly there is a promise of a new you (if you seek it) that will move forward in truth and honor, contributing a to a better tomorrow with a whole lotta love. <3
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